THE REALISATION HAS HIT...

I am totally ashamed of him. Totally. To think he would behave as badly as this. He must think I am pretty stupid...or think that he is being very smart.

I can see now that he has been building a case against me. When I had the luncheon party for our dancing friends last week, he casually mentioned that I had given him until Christmas to find another place to live. I was quite stunned, as I had presumed that any such arrangement was between him and me. And I had not given him such an ultimatum anyhow.

He has been leaving for Vanuatu for several years, notwithstanding any difficulty it might present to me. I have always tried to preserve his dignity, tried to consider his position, and go along pleasantly with his plans. I have explained to him that I did not want to place him in a stressful position, but with his mounting debts, he should think about finding another place to live. I would help him in his search, I said. I have maintained that I wanted to be kind to him.

And now this! He announced tonight that he had a business appointment tomorrow at 3pm, and another at Aspley in the morning. Or is it the other way around? Oh, I thought, and I am cooking a hot midday dinner! Who is the other one with? Thinking it was another prospective investor.
‘It is a woman that I have met on the internet,’ he said, ‘And I have another one to see on Sunday.’ Good God!

It took a bit of coping, I can tell you. I couldn’t speak, couldn’t think. He tried to comment on the news on television, but I found it hard to reply. I have had a churned up abdomen for some time, and tonight I had felt a little better. Today I had attended a funeral that bothered me a lot in some ways, but getting it over with made me feel better somehow. But now I am feeling terrible. Hurt. Ashamed. Sorry for his children.

No wonder he encouraged me no end to go on a week’s tour with an old male friend who means nothing to me. I am quite desperate for a break, as I have only worked hard living his life for eight years, no holidays, no let-up. So I said I would go. He was disappointed that it was for only a week, and this puzzled me. Now I know. Now I realise also that my going with Richard is part of his case against me, giving him justification for seeking women on the internet. And I now know he wanted access to a lovely photo of the two of us that is framed and hanging in the hall. He dismantled it while I was away and cut me out of the flattering photo of himself that he put on the dating site! What a creep! What a way to repay my kindness of the years...

He wants someone younger no doubt. My daughters have always said this would happen, but I thought because our love-life was so satisfactory and I looked after him so well, cooking, cleaning, washing running his errands, entertaining his family and friends, that he would be with me to the end. He knew that this is what a sexual commitment meant to me...for ever. What a dreadful disappointment he has been to me. Serves me right, I suppose they will say, for taking up with a younger man, an attractive one at that.

Funny how physical attractiveness becomes meaningless when an ugly inside is revealed!

It was when he had the affair last year that our relationship fell apart. No more sex. No more affection. No more touching. I told him he had to leave then, but he begged to be able to stay, saying he still loved only me...a lie. I now know. He has been touchy and short-tempered ever since and life has not been easy. I wondered at his being so nice on Tuesday when he accompanied me to Jimboomba in the evening without complaining...did it with a smile, drove moderately, made me think if only it remained like this, it would be lovely. Now I know why of course. He has been looking on the net and feels guilty.

It’s what happened with Liisa, his previous ladyfriend. He told me he was looking for love even though they were still occupying the same house. She had other fellows he said. I think she did, but maybe it was all part of the case. How I have been duped! And now the big question is, how am I going to cope? He feels he is on the verge of success, and I daresay can do without me. Yes, I have outlived my usefulness. I am on the scrap heap.

This morning, we gardened. As usual, I loved it. He gives me one day a week in the garden as part of his cheap board arrangement. In the yard, he is perfect for me. A good worker, knowledgeable, strong and willing. It is there that I have always loved him most, loved our togetherness, felt fortunate and valued. I think he does also. It is there that I feel any pangs of regret. If only he did not have this mania. I could have wept the while.

He will find, I think, that another woman will expect outings, a life. He has never bought me a cup of tea, let alone a meal. He bought an icecream cone once. He pays to go into our one dance a month, but that is because we use my car. We use my car whenever we go to his family, and he never puts in petrol. Perhaps I am well rid of him.